The Second Millenium Goes to Middle School

UGH! So much dust! DUST EVERYWHERE. Man, how long has it been since I touched this thing? I think a few animals have made their home in this blog in the many months it has been since I have last updated this thing. Whatevs. Ain't nothin' a dust buster and cyanide can't handle.

So I was having a gander at the old interwebs and noticed that all of the hipster, twee, and snooty blogs have been making their first half of 2011 lists. The best of MOVIES! MUSIC! SPORTS GAMES! IRONIC DISNEY PICTURES! All of them dealing with stuff that came out from last January to the present.

I'll get back to these lists in just a moment. When I first saw these blogs I thought I had gone through a land of both shadow and substance, but then it dawned on me that, indeed, the eleventh year of this millennium is half over... uh... half started.

As many of you know about me and this blog, I'm a trendfollower. I once was a trendsetter... but my trends got people killed. That was probably my least favorite year of second grade. I'd rather not talk about it.
It is in the spirit of trendfollowing that I offer my lists of the past six months for your intrigue, followed by surprise, followed by disgusted scrutiny.

Here are the albums that have come out this year that I would highly recommend. In honor of the year, they are arranged as my top 11.

11) Bon Iver: Bon Iver
10) Foo Fighters: Wasting Light
9) Panda Bear: Tomboy
8) Flaming Lips (and others): Dark Side of the Moon
7) My Morning Jacket: Circuital
6) Tune-Yards: WHOKILL
5) Iron and Wine: Kiss Each Other Clean
4) T.V. on the Radio: Nine Types of Light
3) Paul Simon: So Beautiful or So What
2) Beastie Boys: Hot Sauce Committee Part II
1) Fleet Foxes: Helplessness Blues

Honorable Mention:
1)Danger Mouse and Daniele Lupi: Rome
2)Radiohead: The King of Limbs (Radiohead rules, and no one more than myself would want to put them at the top... but at just over half an hour and with Lotus Flower being heads and shoulders above the rest of the ho-hum collection... I have to say this album kinda broke my heart. An ache that was cured by listening to in Rainbows again. And again.)

The overrated so far:
1) Adele: 21 (Although I will admit that Rolling in the Deep is probably song of the year material.)
2) Cults (Someone should have told them that the glockenspiel should be used sparingly. Am I the only one that thinks this band's sound is... well... obnoxious?)
3) Tyler, the Creator: Goblin (Wait... people like this? When Tyler's silly references and stories lose their novelty his supporters will realize that his beats suck. You heard me. Wanna fight about it?)

Those are some of my thoughts about this year in music. Let's see if some of these picks make it on my end of the year list.


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WHOA! I was in the middle of a story! Immortal and Bored part 2 coming up!

Immortal and Bored part. 1

The phoenix screamed and burst into flames with one long and loud cry as it clung to it's rapidly-ending life. The fire was brilliant and bright. It had once been a soothing red-oragnge glow through most of the night, but currently the bird was so hot that it gave off an intense white light like a supernova. This commotion naturally awoke Belus, the ancient Mesopotamian god of war and gave the flaming bird a sharp THWAK on its head, causing the great bird to collapse into a pile of ashes.

"Morning already?" he thought with a bit of resentment. He was just having the most wonderful dream. He was riding on a fire-breathing griffin plundering entire peasant camps and listening to their wonderful screams of shock and horror. A group of able-bodied men took up swords, spears, and tridents and were beginning to band together to put up some kind of resistance. Belus was chilled with delight. A plundering AND a good whomping? How could a superbeing be so lucky?

It was at this time that the phoenix startled him from his supernatural slumber. Our alarm clocks have a depressing way of always waking us right before the good parts.

By the time Belus finally coaxed himself out of bed, the phoenix ashes were already beginning to form an egg. This egg will hatch around ten o'clock right on schedule, and the tiny chick that emerges will become a fully grown magnificent bird around teatime.

Belus stumbled into his marble bathroom. His head was pulsating and hazy, which made recalling the night before rather difficult. As he "relieved" himself, he made a mental note: Do not invite Bacchus over on days before the Cake-Club. He hadn't started baking yet.

Belus, having long been forgotten by the humans on earth, often found himself with a lot of free time. This kind of freedom often allows one's self to enjoy hobbies and socializing. However, since the closest Belus got to a hobby was leading blood-thirsty troops into battle and his idea of socializing is torturing a spy to his breaking point, his retirement was a difficult transition.

Cake-Club was one of the groups for retired gods and goddesses that he had genuine interest in. He joined it because truth be told, he loved cake. Simple as that. His good friend Maat had suggested he join the club a few months ago after he complimented her fine pastry cooking at a mixer on mount olympus. Maat made a glorious organic wheat and chickpea desert (her own secret recipe) and often shared it with the group. If a mortal were to take one bite of this savory morsel, his or her head would explode in pure unadulterated rapture, which is probably not a bad way to go...

Belus shuffled his feet out of the bathroom and headed for the kitchen to see what ingredients he had for his cake. Today was his week to bring in a cake at Cake-Club, and they made sure to drive this point home to him last week. Diana (who ironically makes a mouth-melting devil's food cake) noticed that although he comes every week most enthusiastically, Belus was yet to contribute a single dessert. There was no way he was going to show up again empty handed.

On the way to the kitchen, Belus walked through his dark parlor room. With two thunderous CLAPS of his hands, all of the curtains opened and the ceiling's great dome opened filling the room with the bright morning sky.

"Uuuuggghhhgnnnghhhhh what the..." said a gruff and befuddled voice from behind the couch. Startled, Belus looked over to discover Bacchus passed out behind the couch next to several empty bottles of wine and rum. His cloven hooves pressed into the ground as he slowly stood up and looked at Belus through squinty, tired eyes.

"Where did the nymphs go?" he asked and looked around the room. Belus, confused asked,"What nymphs?" He remembered all of last night, despite all of the rum, wine, and music, but did not recall any nymphs in his home. He walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge. No eggs. Great.

Bacchus sat on the couch in the room and looked up at the gaudy dome with resentment. "Of course there were nymphs... Oh wait! That was after you went to bed," he said.

Belus never ceases to be amazed at Bacchus's epic partying skills. "Oh," he said as he stared at the spot in the fridge where the egg carton should be. "We're going," Belus said as he slammed the door to the fridge.

"Going?" said Bacchus. He groaned, stretched, and then scratched his furry legs. "You're buying breakfast though." "Deal," said Belus who also realized he was starving. "Just remind me that I need to pick up eggs at the store, Ok?" he said as they both headed for the front door. In actuality Belus didn't need reminding to pick up eggs, he only told Bacchus because he knows how Bacchus can get carried away and sidetracked on a whim. He can sometimes be like a happy dog on a walk that often sniffs invisible trails away from the sidewalk.

Gone were the days when Belus inspired legions of men giving them strength as they crushed their foes. Gone were the times when soldiers prayed to him at night, pleading for the will to strike down their enemies without hesitation. Gone, with the ever changing and fickle way humans on earth worshiped one diety or another. Long gone. A quest, no matter how small, gave Belus purpose and meaning. His eyes filled with fire, a fire that did not come around very often, but when it did it was most welcome.

Time to get some fucking eggs.

Welcome back.

Howdy, folks! Apparently you're one of the masochistic ones, because you're back for another iteration of Faulty bLogic. Listen up, ya'll.

REQUIRED VIEWING

Do you like funny things? Good.

Do you like epic things? Me too!

Do you like intelligent things? No? Well one look won't kill you.

Do you like things that make Brian sad? Let's hope not.

Uh oh, what time is it kids? THAT'S RIGHT! It's time for...

BRIAN BEGRUDGINGLY ADMITS TO EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS REGARDING HIS CAUCASIAN ETHNICITY FOR THE SAKE OF COMEDY

Ah yes... the BBAtESRhCEFtSoC. The segment where I reveal something about myself that perpetuates the stereotypes of "whitey" on a public forum. Why am I doing this?

On a recent visit to New York City, I recieved a turn-table from my Godfather, Uncle Victor. But not just any turntable. A turntable, which harnessing the power of the almighty USB cable, can allow you to DIGITIZE one's album collection. Pretty neat huh?

Well such a gift, original intended for good quickly became evil when I discovered a completely different use for the device. One word: TURNTABLISM.

Yep. Using a popular music recording program, I was able to make SOME HIP-HOPPIN' JAMZ, YO.

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:'(

CUESTION CORNER!

THIS WEEK I GOT A REAL EMAIL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

This week's email reads:

Faulty bLogic,
What was your favorite thing you did when you were in New York? And what was the last movie you saw (in theatres or on DVD), and would you suggest seeing it?

-Lea

Well Lea,

What a wonderful cuestion! :D Let's break it down, shall we?

First of all, yeah! Me and my Mom went to New York for a week. I got to see my Grandma and my Godfather of on this particular trip, and we even got to play tourist for a little while. (We couldn't help ourselves, and why not)

But by play tourist, I mean the first thing we did was see TOY STORY 3!!!! WHY?! BECAUSE IT CAME OUT AND IT A FREAKIN DISNEY PIXAR FILM, DUH. That's right, I went to New York just to watch a movie I could be watching anywhere on Times Square.

That is the last movie I've seen in theaters, and let me tell ya, it's a masterpiece. Go see it right now if you haven't already. You could absolutely see it without seeing the first two, but I whole heartedly do not recommend it. Bring the tissues. Take the family. Take anyone. Go see it alone. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Go now. Stop reading this poorly written, stream-of-consciousness blog.

ANYWAY.

Probably the coolest thing my Mom and I did was go to the observation deck of the Empire State Building. Despite all of the trips I've taken to New York in my lifetime, I've only seen this building from street level. I probably don't have to tell you that the view was stunning, but if you must know, it really made me grow in greater appreciation for the Tower of Terror at Disney Land. The decor and the outfits that the cast members wear are obviously spoofs of the architecture and uniforms of the Empire State Building. I chuckled thinking about how I was essentially waiting in a long line to get on an elevator, which both things have in common.

THANKS FOR THE CUESTION, LEA!

Class dismissed, my friends.

Send your cuestions to Bridrummer5@gmail.com

I promise that you probably won't regret it.

The Comeback Blog

Brian sat at his computer, lazily listening to the new MGMT album while reading along with its lyrics on their website. With the reverb laden harmonies filling the air from the speakers to his ears, he almost didn't hear the sound of a young man's sobbing behind him. When he did, he immediately muted the volume and turned around with a jolt and before him was his younger brother, Sean.

Brian looked into his brother's red and watery eyes and could tell he was in agonizing distress. In his pocket there was a crumpled hanky that looked like it had been haphazardly stuffed into it with more than a corner sticking out of his pants. Before Brian could ask what was the matter, Sean had already begun to reach for Brian's shoulders. "Dearest brother Brian, it has been three months since you've written something for that blog of yours," Sean said between little sobs that he tried so hard to suppress, "and I just need for you to update it NOW or I'm going to do something you're not gonna like!" With that, Sean reached into his pocket and proceeded to blow his nose with the hanky and stuffed it right back into his pocket.

Brian was taken aback for a moment. "People read that thing?" he wondered, "I can't believe its absence is upsetting anyone so much. What could he possibly do that I'm not going to like?" Brian understandably flustered, tried his hardest to think about what his brother could do that he couldn't like.

"Well? What's your excuse? I check Faulty bLogic nine times a day, everyday, hoping with all my might that you'll at least make some kind of update! BUT NO! Brian's too busy. He doesn't care about ANYTHING." And with that, Sean punched the wall, making a bang that shook the house and a gaping hole in the white plaster. "WELL?" he screamed.

Brian thought about a good excuse, but none came. Why the hell didn't he make an update? It's not like he didn't have a lot of things to talk about, heavens no. There was a lot of good music that had just came out, a lot of good books he's read, and movies that he wants all of friends to see. Heck, he even just got back from a week in New York for cryin' out loud! "I just..." he said half whispering, but stopped there knowing that anything he would say after that would just be a lie. "I'm so sorry Sean. I had no idea it meant that much to you..."

The awkward silence that followed was interrupted by a loud and thunderous BANG! The place where Sean had previously punched a hole exploded with a great deal of energy, sending rubble and debris all over Brian's room. Emerging from the dust and dramatically lit, stood Belus, the Mesopotamian god of war.

His low menacing growl made the ground shake in fear. "BRIAN. YOU ARE SUCH A TOOL. UPDATE THAT BLOG OR I'LL MAKE YOU MY BITCH." And with that, he turned on the spot and vanished into thin air with a pop.

Stunned and mortified, Brian and Sean continued staring at the spot where the ancient deity once stood, and slowly their eyes found each other again.

"That was... holy crap..." said Brian in a poor excuse at the English language, a language that seemed useless in its ability to express the absolute incomprehendabilty the two of them had just witnessed. "Is incomprehendability a word?" Sean queried.

Before Brian could answer "No," and think of a better word for the narrator to type, their mother ran in, panicked at the explosive sound she had heard not a moment before. Utterly bewildered by the giant truck-sized hole in the wall, she stopped in the doorway and pierced a hole in Brian's eyes with hers. Putting her hands on her hips, she said "And just what are you going to do now, Brian. You're always pissing off the ancient Mesopotamians."

Brian knew in his heart what he must do. He had a mission, a destiny. Nothing could stand in his way now. No more excuses. This was bigger than he was.

Brian looked out the window, a storm was coming. Thunder and lightning filled the air. Brian spoke with as much determination that he could muster, "Class is in session."

• Alright kids! Don't make Belus angry! Send your CUESTIONS to Bridrummer5@gmail.com or face complete annihilation at the hands of an all-powerful killing machine. Have a good day! :D :D :D :D :D

I'm back, baby!

Alright, alright. Have a seat class. We have a lot to cover this week.

I sincerely hope everyone had a pleasant Spring Break. I hope it was a welcome and relaxing break from studies, and a hardy "Welcome back!" to each and every one of you. There is so much to go over this lesson, so let's get crackin'.

REQUIRED VIEWING

THE GOOD.

Pardon the unprofessional nature of what I am about to divulge, but Zooey Deschanell is a babe. She & Him volume 2 hit store shelves yesterday, and I've been giving it a good listen. Expect a review of it soon! (Spoiler Alert: It's awesome.)

THE BAD.

Pardon the unprofessional nature of what I am about to divulge, but Stacy Hedger has horrible taste in sneakers. If she was wearing better shoes, this would have been awesome. Seriously, I couldn't stop laughing at her shoes.

THE UGLY.

Why did the bike throw the man off of it?

Because it was two tired to go on.

DISNEY WORLD!

Now that we have got the formalities out of the way, I can move on to the segment that I teased two weeks ago. If you didn't read my previous post, this will be the first time you hear from me on Faulty bLogic that I went to Disney World over the break. And how was it, you ask? Well does this picture answer your question?

The answer's HELLLLL YEAH. In the word's of Joe Biden, "This is a big fuckin' deal".

However, if that picture does indicate one thing, it's that 10-year-old Brian did in fact emerge, and took over. What a wonderful place! But I must say, it also had it's eerie parts... for example, they don't tell you in any of the travel brochures, websites, or commercials for this damn place that Mickey and Minnie Mouse are hundreds of feet tall. That was quite a shock to me.

Also, in the park, there was nothing epic to look at. Nothing.

And no good thrill rides.

And the most annoying homeless people that force you to take pictures with them.

There was also not much to get excited about in general.

And no fountains.

And there is no actual proof that I went through that gate below.

BUT THERE WAS THE DHARMA INITIATIVE JUMP SUITS WORN BY CREEPY MANNEQUINS AND FISH STICKS.

CUESTION CORNER!

Here's a question that was in the comments of my previous post... and as it is my first REAL cuestion, I feel obligated to answer it. Wait? Did I just admit that? Oh well. Bring on the cuestion!

I have a question for the Cuestion Corner, and it will be great when you get back. While you were at Disney World, did you happen to find Walt's frozen head? I mean Walt Disney, not little black Walt.

Love,
me

Thanks, me. Your cuestion is inviting and stimulating.

Unfortunately I never saw Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head. Which is upsetting, because that was very much on my to do list. However I did see little black Walt's frozen head and kids were playing soccer with it. Reminds me of my youth, and playing soccer with severed heads.... My youth...

Hey! That reminds me of a story!

Once upon a time in a magical far away place known as Orlando, Florida, ten-year-old Brian went to Disney World at the age of 22 and loved it.

Send your questions to Bridrummer5@gmail.com

You have nothing to lose. Go for it.

Spring Break!

Well, an extended break from classes is an always welcome change. And trust me, as an educator myself, I can tell you that we teachers look forward to these breaks just as much as the students, if not more so. (Not likely.)

So what are your plans for Spring Break? I for one am going to Disney World! I'm meeting up with my best friend from high school, Todd, and we are going to have a blast! I will be sure to share with you thoughts/pictures/stories once I'm back, so until then 10 year old Brian has taken over, and I'm incredibly giddy and excited.

REQUIRED VIEWING

No explanation needed. Just watch. It's amazing.

The most amazing song in the world.

Thank me later.

(How about now? That was the worst thing I have ever seen. Thanks for wasting my time.)

Cuestion Corner!

Today's cuestion is a very important, and relevant topic. It reads:

Hey Dr. Brian!

Your last post was too weird. I didn't really like it. Or understand it.

Anyway, I heard from a friend that you are going to Disney World. That's cool, I guess. My question is who is your favorite Disney Princess? Also, do you have a Disney Crush? You should totally seek this character out at Disney World.

Here's to hoping your blog gets better,

Andy

Excellent cuestion, Andy. Well, as I grew up in the Disney-Home-Video Generation I certainly do have a favorite Disney Princess and a Disney Crush, but they are not the same. In fact... it's a bit more complicated than that.

My favorite Disney Princess is easy. It's Mogley.

My Disney crush on the other hand, and forgive me if I get a bit bashful about this sort of thing, is Snow White.

Why???? Because as soon as she is rescued by the Seven Dwarves, she cooks and cleans for them?! And she's a mega-babe.

AND SHE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A STUCK UP BITCH LIKE SLEEPING BEAUTY.

UGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... What a hoebag.

Email your questions to me, people. Bridrummer5@gmail.com

So long for now! My next post won't be for a week.

Class is now in session.

Hello class! Nice to meet you!

I see some new faces out there, but some that are familiar. (You flunked me last term...) I hope that by the end of this course I will know all of your names, but as for now let's just get started!

First of all, what is Faulty Blogic?

(Other than what seems to be a punch-line to a horribly unfunny joke. Beats me.) This is actually a question that cannot be answered right now. The purpose of this blog is to figure out what it's about. All I can tell you is that there will be segments that will appear on every post (Will we be quizzed over this shit?) that will bring us closer to the answer, but wether (Why is he talking about a castrated ram?) such an answer exists I cannot say. (What? That sounds stupid.)

Random Thought

So this year is the year 2010, correct? 2010. 2010.

When I made you read the year just now in your head, how are you reading it? (I'm using my eyes. P.S. I hate you.) What I'm trying to say is, in your mind's voice, did you read it as "Two thousand ten" or "Twenty Ten"? (Two zero one zero. Don't ask the questions if you don't like the answers.) Personally, I find "Twenty Ten" to be much cooler. I encourage you to do the same.

If you have any hopes of passing, you will henceforth refer to this year as TWENTY TEN in your mind. I'll know when you do otherwise.

Required Viewing

TOY STORY 3 Trailer number 2

Cuestion Corner!

Here is the section where I answer YOUR questions! Of course, this is the first one so I'll cut you some slack. Email your questions to Bridrummer5@gmail.com

This week's question reads:

Hey Brian,

Something has really been bugging me lately and hopefully you can help me out. My question is this:

How did I know to write and send you a question if this is the first cuestion corner? Also, your blog didn't exist before now, so how did I know that you would eventually write a blog and have a section where you answer questions?

Your long-time and adoring fan,

Josh

Age-63

Weight-139lbs.

Sign- Scorpio

Springfield, Florida

303 Kings Rd.

Backdoor- Always unlocked

Well hello Josh, and thanks for signing up for the class! (Get out while you can!)

My guess is that you are some sort of omnipotent being, or perhaps an over zealous time traveler of sorts who is not yet aware that he is time traveling. Very strange. OH I HAVE AN EMAIL! I'm going to check it.

It reads:

Hi again,

No. I'm neither of those, Brian. Guess again.

Love always,

Josh

Expensive electronics- Many!

Leaves the house- 8:00 to 5:30

I think my blog is haunted.

Until next time, class dismissed.